I wasn't sold until the melismatic pre-chorus, which is easily the strongest part of the song. The chorus, while melodically adept, is a bit too pitchy for my taste. I totally get that the "rawness" of the performance was a focus in the studio, but with such a tight rhythmic performance through a sparse arrangement I feel as though it's a stylistic clash. Also, I'm into the fact that you hit the chorus so much, but I'm afraid it's a bit too much. Throw a more defined bridge in there to spice things up - perhaps by reworking the melody in the pre-chorus?
Pat This is a song with a lot of potential. It's got a very good pop feel. Lyrically, I think it could be polished up a bit in the chorus and maybe even have some harmonies or background vocals to lift the dynamics a bit. The melody is pretty catchy and I don't think some subtle lyrical changes would affect that. Musically, it is pretty good too. The production could use a redo but I know that you know the demo version serves as a good picture of what is envisioned for the song. Definitely something to be pitched to an artist that is a bit older/contemporary. The publisher angle could be considered however, you should think about finding an artist that can really nail this, polish up the production a bit and then pitch for television or film. Feel free to contact me with any more questions or thoughts. Thanks for sharing this!